How many 5 year olds could YOU beat in a fight?

20

According to this snazzy web page, I could take on 20 five year olds in a fight. I guess this site was spawned perhaps by that plot of grade school children to kill their teacher? Or maybe it was there before and I just happened across it. Great great fun. I sooo love "the internets".

"But who will take care of you when you're old?"

People often throw this one out there when they talk to someone who doesn't plan to have kids, as if having a child is any guarantee that you'll have a dedicated caregiver in your old age. If you don't believe me, just ask Terry Caffey, who is the lone survivor of a brutal attack that killed his wife and two children. His daughter and his daughter's boyfriend are the main suspects. Terry, who was shot in the head (quite possibly by the same person who was supposed to care for him in his old age) will be lucky if he even lives that long. You can read the horrible events here: http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080302/ap_on_re_us/texas_deaths

Of course, I'm not saying all children end up murdering their parents, but the shocking number of people who are killed by their parents or their children is proof enough that not everyone is cut out for this, and further proof that stock answers and generalizations do not apply to all.

This is what happens when you don't, "change your mind."

I found this post on a website that is like the most addicting train wreck you have ever seen...True Mom Confessions. About half the "confessions" are positive, "I have the best baby who sleeps through the night at 2 months and is already potty-trained...I'm sooo luckeeeee", and about half are of the "I want to die, motherhood is killing me" variety. A big thanks to the blog Child Free Clique for turning me on to this train wreck.

All too often people think it's necessary to force their advice and opinions on me in regards to my choice to be childfree at 37 (with a 10-year birth control device in place..thank you very much), and they tend to say things like "Oh you'll change your mind", or "It's different when it's your own kid" and a whole load of other nonsense. It's called Child Free Bingo for a reason...the same old tired phrases get thrown at me again and again. But I digress...

I came across this confession (one of hundreds) that proves that it is not DIFFERENT when it's your own...well, actually it is different. When it's your own kid you can't hand it off to its parents when it starts in with the crying and the runny nose and the poopy diaper and whatnot. So, without further ado, here's the confession:

"I am a better mom when I drink. Really. I don't get drunk. I just get buzzed enough to be relaxed. I am more tolerant of their loudness and annoying behaviour after I have had a few drinks. I will sit and listen to them ramble on about some stupid crap they are interested in when I have a drink in my hand. I am more lenient and laugh easier with them. When I am sober, I am selfish and mean. I just want them to be quiet and leave me alone. I don't want to listen to them or even be in the same room with them. I haven't always felt this way. They are teens now and they just bug the crap out of me. I HAVE to have alcohol so I won't go INSANE. I feel so awful because of this."

Do you really think this woman should have had children? Do you really think that she "changed her mind" or feels that it's "different because it's her own?" Obviously not...but someone somewhere probably forced their ideas onto her and she caved...whether it was her husband, her family, her girlfriends or just society in general...she chose a path that deliberately put her into her own personal hell. People...do yourselves a favor. Think about it long and hard BEFORE you have kids. If it's something you want then do it and PLEASE BE GREAT AT IT. If it's not your cup of tea do not cave to societal pressure. Doing something that is 100% permanent and involves innocent others because you "might change your mind" takes a very special kind of stupid.

As I've always said..."there's not enough wine in the world."

Reason #432 why I shouldn't breed

I had lunch yesterday with a friend of mine who brought along her really super super cute 2-year old boy. He was basically really good throughout the whole meal, but when things got sticky and borderline cranky I just kept passing the kid animal crackers. I mean I seriously had aboslutely *no idea* how to placate a bored 2-year old. The little guy ended up eating something like 15 animal crackers for lunch...he was pretty happy though! Given my own enjoyment of food we then had a rousing conversation of "Do you like...(insert food item here)." What else do you talk to a toddler about?

Then the subject came up of how to discipline children. My friend said the little guy had recently embarked on a hitting phase and that she had to turn to the trusty "Internets" to figure out what to do. I realized as we were talking about it that I too was at a loss for discipline tactics, namely since my best (and only) idea involves duct tape. I think if I were a parent I would probably get reported to CPS on a regular basis...there are just so many wonderful and necessary uses for duct tape. Is your child hitting people? Duct tape his little arms to his sides! Does your kid squirm to get out of his high chair? Duct tape him to the chair! Does he do that annoying "Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom" thing while you're talking to another adult? Duct tape his little mouth shut! I would be a horrible parent.

Hats off to all my friends who do it and make it look so easy. Your kiddos are lucky to have you (and not me) as their mother!
Signed,
Auntie Mo

A reason to NOT procreate

So, what's a compelling reason to NOT procreate? Pants pulled so low the entire butt-side of the underpants is exposed. If my child did this I would be moritfied.

I can only hope that my friends will teach their children the basics of good fashion sense.